Of an Old Battlefield Where the Wind Still Rustles

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By: Shanzay Sethi

I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been that bad this quarantine. Because the truth is it has been nothing but a trigger. A trigger to my mental health. A trigger that has made me fear myself to the extent that I do not want to crawl back into that dark side within me. See the thing is we all carry trauma of years within ourselves, of the culture, the childhood and the of a parental mess one may have grown up in. So years of therapy and learning how to emote my emotions to some extent I would say I’m healing. But then this social isolation bought me back to square one, me and my never ending trauma.  

Depression is like a poison that spreads through your soul and body. It’s that form of darkness that consumes you, like a disease, that can never be gotten rid of. You try to run, run as fast as you can while the darkness is chasing you and for a little while you do escape but even then the slightest wrong turn and you’re facing a dead end, looking back to see the darkness devour you completely. Imagine living with a mind like that where light shines through small holes but still you’re shrouded in darkness. Imagine being a person like that who could never win the war with his demons. Imagine knowing every single second is like a wasted breathe trying to live with a dead soul. Imagine thinking every thing you do, how you look, what you say, what you wear, what you think is wrong that it’s useless to try and fit with everyone else. Imagine breaking down in the middle of night at 3.46am every single day trying to find out where’d you gone wrong. Imagine being in a middle of a crowd consisting of your family, friends everyone that you’ve ever know but still feel incredibly alone. Imagine looking in the mirror everyday to only see an expression of disgust on your face on seeing what you are.

Just imagine living like that for the rest of your life, trapped, trying desperately to find a way out even if the way is one where you’re standing on the edge of a building knowing that down there is where true freedom would lie. People think saying words of comfort and encouragement should be enough to bring that person back to life, what they don’t know is she’s been dying inside for so long that there’s no going back now. Searching happiness in the midst of pain is not fruitful since pain and suffering rises above all no matter how hard anyone tried to undo it. Suffering is the ultimate ruler above everything and there can be no escape.

The image used is from: https://steemit.com/art/@royalmacro/loneliness-an-original-abstract-art

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